God Speaks..Even in Vegas

Last week I went to Las Vegas for a work trip. It's a crazy, crazy place. It's a place of contradictions. They want you to think that its a great place to bring your family on vacation. They offer beautiful hotels and excellent food and experiences for all ages. But when you walk down the street, men try to hand out cards for strippers and prostitutes and of course the casinos are never-ending. The people who work at the hotels are so nice and helpful. They even give you directions on how to steer away from the seediness. I have to admit, I had a great time there. Maybe it was because our hotel was having a Star Trek convention and I got to see Leonard Nimoy in person. Maybe it was because our hotel staff spoiled us. Wouldn't you like it if someone brought you a free latte every morning?

But on to my story. The last evening I was there, I was out on my own. The monorail system in Vegas makes it very easy to go out on your own. I was exploring the shops at Caesar's Palace looking for some trinkets to take home. Shopping in Vegas is not for the poor that's for sure. Hugo Boss, Escada, Dolce and Gabana, Burberry. Everything is high end and name brand. Honestly, I am not sure how they make it. The sun was going down as I was crossing a bridge from Caesar's Palace to the Bellagio. The sign ahead of me said Gucci. There were streams and streams of people making their way from one place to another. Most didn't even notice the sunset over the mountains to the west. Some took note of the fifty-something black man playing the guitar and singing. I don't remember what song it was, but I remember thinking he was pretty good to try that on an acoustic guitar. His voice was definitely worth all the money that filled his guitar case.

As I approached the doors to the Bellagio, a man sat Indian style with his head down and clear plastic cup in front of him. He looked at little dirty and very sad, the sign in his hand read "Help Me." I'm not sure half of the people even saw him or took note of him. I continued my way through the revolving door thinking how sad it was that the guy playing the music was getting attention but he wasn't and of the irony of the excess and the need. And then God spoke, "For you who know the good you ought to do and don't do it, to you that is sin." Ouch. At first I tried to ignore it, but it resonated in my head again. So I stepped out of the crowd, went into my wallet and pulled out a bill, I folded it up tiny and turned back to door. I almost didn't go through with it, "maybe he'll use it for drugs or booze or a prostitute," I thought. I hesitated. But pushed through the door to the outside. He was maybe 10 steps outside the door. I hurried over, dropped the 10 and scurried away like a scared little mouse. "Please don't let him follow me, " I thought. I looked back over my shoulder as I made it safely into the Bellagio. He was looking back at me with a look of amazement.

I don't tell you this story because I'm proud of what I did. In fact as I think back on it, I am ashamed that I didn't get down on the ground and talk with him. I guess I just wanted to remind you and to remind me that God does speak all the time, even in the worst of places. We just need to listen.

Lost in Frustration

I am having a struggle. I'm feeling a little lost and I'm not sure how to find my way. My professional life is frustrating me and I am wondering if at it's root is a spiritual problem. Since May of last year I've been working for a government contractor. I write and edit on-line training material for a government agency. I try hard to be thankful for it and to put my best effort into it. It's a lackluster, passionless job for me though. It does pay very well, and since I work from home it affords me great flexibility. Not everyone gets to go to work in their pjs! If anyone out there in cyberspace from my company reads this, please know that I appreciate my job and try to be diligent at it.

I am feeling pretty guilty about being frustrated by this job. First of all, God provided it just in time for me. Secondly, with the job market the way it is, for me to have this job is a blessing. Thirdly, there's no commute, which in the DC area, is unheard of. I took it for all those reasons and for the hope that they would one day hire me for real. (I am a temporary employee so I receive no benefits.) That, however has yet to come to fruition. Therein lies reason #1 for my frustration, but that's a small part of it.

But I guess my biggest frustration comes from that this is not what I really want to do. Augh, that sounds so whiny. And I hate being whiny. I should make the best of what I'm doing, I know. I don't want to work only for a paycheck. Don't get me wrong, I like getting paid well. I am grateful for the little bit of money I've been able to save, the bills I've been able to pay off and for the ability to give out of my abundance. I have thought more than once about options to make it better for me. One of those would be to quit. However both the practical side of me and the person who hates to let people down doesn't find that wise. Especially since I have no idea of where to look for other work or even what the work would be.

The part of me that wants to be a success screams at me that working in retail (which I feel like is my main option) would quickly become just as frustrating to me. And then there's that little voice in my head that says, "you're not getting any younger, you need to think about the future."

Oh my goodness, I just realized that perhaps this is what a midlife crisis feels like! You know suddenly I'm a little thankful for this frustration. You see, when I was younger, I thought for certain I wasn't going to live outside my young adulthood, since my two sisters never saw much beyond their twenties. And here I am having a midlife crisis. That made me smile for just a minute!

But then I wonder if it's practicality that keeps me in check, or is it fear? One of my favorite movies is "Strictly Ballroom." It's a silly, campy Austrailian film about ballroom dancing. It follows a young man who is the star of his region in ballroom dancing, a world of beauty but it is a beauty that is lived within very strict guidelines. He steps outside those bounds and becomes a pariah to his friends and family. The only person who believes in him is an awkward and homely girl who takes lessons at his family dance studio. She gathers the gumption to approach him and to ask to be his partner. At first he laughs at her, but over time they become a stunning pair. I won't give it all away in case you want to see it. It's really a fun and uplifting film. The reason I share that is because one of my favorite quotes in cinema comes from this film, "A life lived in fear, is a life half lived." I don't want it to be fear that keeps me from being all that God wants me to be.

I said at the outset that I think this frustration is at its root a spiritual problem, scripture says, "Perfect love casts out all fear." So, here's my conclusion from these ramblings. I don't think that I necessarily need to quit my job, but I need to trust more in the love of God than I do in anything that this world can give me. I need to let that love lead me down whatever path is placed before me and to trust in it until and through whatever turn is next. I need to trust and dream and let God lead and not worry so doggone much.

I've been really busy this week. I joined a gym again, my efforts to work out at home were NOT working, so I've added going to the gym to my day. Suddenly, I'm am feeling a little overwhelmed. You would think working at home would make it easy to get everything done. Unfortunately, I'm finding the older I get, the more ADD I get, or maybe I'm showing my age and not able to multi-task as well. I find myself getting distracted so easily. And unfortunately I'm not getting distracted by the good things usually. Am I getting distracted by the stack of books by my bed, or the guitar sitting on the other side of the room, or even by putting words down on a page? Not at all. Facebook, Today Show, trawling websites, other junk. AUGH.

I think part of it is my old friend procrastination rearing it's ugly head again. Why oh why do I not seize the day and get things done?

One Pure and Holy Passion

Today we sang "One Pure and Holy Passion" by Mark Altrogge.

Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after you

To know and follow hard after you
To grow a disciple in your truth
This world is empty, pale and poor
Compared to knowing you my Lord
Lead me on and I will run after you
Lead me on and I will run after you

If you've not heard it, find Christy Nockels singing it...her voice has such power and passion. But the words really say it all. I think my favorite line is "Give me one glorious ambition for my life, to know and follow hard after you." I have all kinds of ambitions. Things I want. I want to be a published author. I want to record a CD. I want to get married someday. I want. I want. I want. And in those I wants I almost always forget the most important want...to be like Christ. Forgive me Lord when I let my other ambitions get in the way of the only important one.

Facebook

I don't know what to say...do you think perhaps some people could take a hint?

If I ignore your friend request a million times I could mean I don't have anything to say to you.

This is aimed at one person and one person only. Unless you are him...don't be offended. And he shouldn't be offended. He simply needs to realize that forgiveness and being friends are two completely different things. You're forgiven. However, I have no need to have you in my life. All God's best to you. Now, go away.

Is it coming true?

I ordered what might be my social demise. Netflix can now be streamed wirelessly to the Wii. It's amazing, all you do is put in the disc and instantly you have access to hundreds, probably thousands of movies. So, I don't really have to leave my house again.

I used to teach middle school English. Since I received this disc in the mail, I have been thinking about a story I taught my students. I can't remember the author. It was a science fiction piece, so it's likely it was Arthur C Clarke or Ray Bradbury or Issac Asimov. I really, really wish I could remember the title of it. The story was about how technology had gotten to the point where people never had to leave their houses for anything and they didn't interact with anyone else.

Hmmm...have we gotten there?

And I have a blog why?

I just pulled up my blog and saw that I had last written in here in January. JANUARY??? Obviously my goal to write a post once a week in 2010 has fallen by the wayside.

I started this blog when I was in the middle of some of the craziest times in my life to help process my fears, thoughts and hopes. In a way it was an open prayer journal to God. It was also a way to to let people know what was going on and what God was doing in my life.

I haven't posted at all since January. I haven't written fewer and fewer posts since my walk down the road with cancer and unemployment. Over all the my life in the past months has been quiet. Changes have been smaller in scale, there have been no crisises, my health has been good, my days have been busy, I'm working probably too much again, my finances are stable for the moment. I wouldn't say all my problems are solved, but it's not overwhelming like it was at one point.

Here's the thing I have to confess, I think that my inattention to my blog cooresponds with my inattention to something else, my time with the Lord. I definitely spend some time every day in prayer for "the important things" and most weeks I take the time to prep for Bible Study, but the pages of journal are as empty as the pages of this blog. Even right now as I write this, I am sitting at a table at a conference where I am keeping an eye on the powerpoint presentations someone else is presenting. Have I really been taking the time to have God "search my heart" as the Psalmist says in Psalm 139? Probably not

As I look to the next days, here is my hope, that I will turn back to the days when I was desperate for answers and hope and clarity. I want to return to those days, not particularly to the uncertainty, but to the dependence, to the awareness of my need.

Beauty Will Rise

One of my Christmas gifts was the new Steven Curtis Chapman CD, "Beauty Will Rise." First of all, let me say, I love Steven Curtis Chapman. He is by far my favorite Christian musician. I've grown to enjoy other, newer folks like Chris Tomlin and David Crowder, but Steven is my favorite. I love him because he's an amazing songwriter, a great guitar player, has an outstanding voice and his heart for Jesus is so evident in every single word. He writes of the love, wholeness, joy, hope and peace found in walking with Jesus. I love him because years ago, a friend of mine got his autograph for me at a music conference. With it, I got a bonus, the signature of his then very little girl, Emily. That's the kind of guy he is. I love him because one time when I met him before a concert he signed lots of items for my 9th grade girls Sunday School class. During the concert it all got stolen. I went to the artist signing afterward, he recognized me and he took the time to re-sign multiple things for me even though his handler kept saying "one item per artist." I love him because that same night I got to have a conversation with him afterward and he let me pray over him because I saw the weariness in him at that late hour. I love him because he does stuff like give backstage passes to the girl who was one of his childhood sweethearts (my friend Angela) and her family. I saw him treat her like he just saw her yesterday with genuine love and interest in her relatively mundane life. I love him because he listens to his children and his God. It was that little girl Emily who one day when she got a little older and heard of the plight of orphaned girls in China suggested, no insisted, that the Chapman family adopt.

Steven and MaryBeth who had three teenaged children, Emily, Will Franklin and Caleb, followed God's heart and adopted. Eventually they adopted three little girls, Shaohannah, Stevie Joy and Maria. They started a foundation to help families that wanted to adopt both internationally and domestically. They took God at his word and lived out true religion by taking care of the orphan. They seemed to have the perfect life, a blessed life. On May 21, 2008, it all took a tragic turn. The family had just experienced Caleb (the youngest son's) graduation and Emily's engagement, joyous family moments, when something horrible happened. Will Frankin was pulling into the driveway and accidently hit the youngest child, Maria. Maria did not survive the accident and the Chapman family was thrown into a place they had never been before, a place of overwhelming grief and pain. I still can't imagine. It's hard enough to deal with the loss of a child, but to double it by having it happen accidently by another of your children? It somehow double the grief, doubles the questions.

"Beauty Will Rise" is a picture of Steven's walk through the days following Maria's death. Every single song is full of raw emotion, questions and heartbreak. It's a truly beautiful album, not because of the orchestration or the electronic wizardry of the engineering; it is beautiful because of it's honesty. Chapman's songs in the past have been full of faith, hope and joy. In these songs, the questions and pain sit on top and the hope, faith and joy sit underneath. It's there, there is not despair in these songs, but it is evident that lately the questions and pain have been on the surface of his life. It was recorded it hotel rooms, by lakes, in hotel ballrooms and church foyers (ah the wonders of modern recording) so it is not slick, but it does not need slick. I would suggest that you buy the CD rather than download it, simply to sit and read the liner notes. He goes into detail about where in the process of his pain these songs were born. It will make you cry again.

My favorite songs are "Heaven is the Face," "Just Have to Wait," and "Faithful" and "Jesus Will Meet You There." "Heaven is the Face" is the first track on the CD. It opens with "Heaven is the face of a little girl, with dark brown eyes that disappear when she smiles. Heaven is the place where she calls my name. Says, "Daddy please come and play with me for a while. God I know it's all of this and more, but God you know know that this what I'm aching for. God, you know I just can't see beyond the door." My first thought through my tears was, "Wow, this is going to be a rough journey." Then I came upon "Just Have to Wait" where he says, "I can't wait to watch your brother's face, when he can finally see with his own eyes that everything is okay." "Faithful" proclaims, "You are faithful, you are faithful. When you give and when you take away, even then still your name is Faithful. You are faithful, and with everything inside of me, I'm choosing to believe, you are faithful." "Jesus Will Meet You There" extends the journey out from the Chapman family to others, recognizing that just as Jesus has met them in their circumstances, Jesus will meet you in your moments as well.

I said that you should buy the CD so that you could experience this CD on another level. I will not spoil that experience for you, just believe me when I say that through reading the words and the stories behind them, you see how God has walked with them through this horribly painful year and half.

I said earlier that I love Steven Curtis Chapman and this CD gives me additional reasons to add to my list. As someone who has had what seems to be more than my share of pain in this life, this CD gave voice to things I wish I was able to put into words and music. For someone who hasn't walked that kind of road, maybe it might seem like a place that shouldn't have been gone to in Christian music. I for one though am grateful for the fact that "Beauty Will Rise."