I just pulled up my blog and saw that I had last written in here in January. JANUARY??? Obviously my goal to write a post once a week in 2010 has fallen by the wayside.
I started this blog when I was in the middle of some of the craziest times in my life to help process my fears, thoughts and hopes. In a way it was an open prayer journal to God. It was also a way to to let people know what was going on and what God was doing in my life.
I haven't posted at all since January. I haven't written fewer and fewer posts since my walk down the road with cancer and unemployment. Over all the my life in the past months has been quiet. Changes have been smaller in scale, there have been no crisises, my health has been good, my days have been busy, I'm working probably too much again, my finances are stable for the moment. I wouldn't say all my problems are solved, but it's not overwhelming like it was at one point.
Here's the thing I have to confess, I think that my inattention to my blog cooresponds with my inattention to something else, my time with the Lord. I definitely spend some time every day in prayer for "the important things" and most weeks I take the time to prep for Bible Study, but the pages of journal are as empty as the pages of this blog. Even right now as I write this, I am sitting at a table at a conference where I am keeping an eye on the powerpoint presentations someone else is presenting. Have I really been taking the time to have God "search my heart" as the Psalmist says in Psalm 139? Probably not
As I look to the next days, here is my hope, that I will turn back to the days when I was desperate for answers and hope and clarity. I want to return to those days, not particularly to the uncertainty, but to the dependence, to the awareness of my need.
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