I am at the end of my rope...

I grew up in the 70's and 80's and in school the Scholastic people sold in addition to books, posters. I remember one with a cat hanging on to the end of a rope. I'm pretty sure it must have said something about being at the end of your rope, though I can't recall exactly. But that's the image I have in mind when I think of that phrase, or at least I did until last Sunday.

Last Sunday I woke up with a startling revelation. It was May 3, which meant Monday was May 4. No I don't have a fear of the number 4, or think that on 5/4/09 Jesus was coming back. No, I just realized that on 5/4/09 I had a date with the civil court in Fredericksburg over a credit card debt. That's one thing some of you might not know, I'm in debt. That's probably not unlike you although I hope none of you are in the place I am. It's a long story that I could go into but won't. It has to do with a girl who thought she was in love and did whatever she could to help out a guy and got herself in a really bad place in a lot of ways and then the guy left her holding the bag. I've been fighting my way out of this hole for the past three years with the help of a debt settlement company. It's been a long fight and I'm close to being out. I would warn you to make sure you look at the tax ramifications of using debt settlement as opposed to credit counseling services before you move. Anyway, I was startled awake by that fact. The week before I'd been on the phone with the settlement company and they were close to a settlement, but it hadn't come about by Friday which meant I was due in court on Monday. I didn't have a lawyer or the money to pay one. I was scared and overwhelmed. It was yet another moment in this craziness that has been my life these past months. My tendency at times like that is to either run to someone else to solve my problem for me or to hide from it. At at the end of my rope Iam usually clinging to it for dear life or trying to scramble for the top.

This time though, I decided to let go. I didn't go to church, in fact I don't think I even showered until 5PM. I spent most of the morning and afternoon writing in my journal, reading my Bible and praying. I NEVER do that. I may spend a half an hour or so in quiet, but hours? You would think because I live by myself I would cherish the quiet and the opportunity to spend time with the Lord. Unfortunately, I don't. I spend more of my morning with Matt, Meredith, Al and Ann most days than I do with God. The quiet reminds me that I'm alone and most days that's too scary. But this day I NEEDED it. Later in the day I wrote an e-mail to a few select friends and asked them to pray.

This was part of what I wrote:
"So I ask that you please pray for me (as I know you have been and am grateful for) as I run up on this hurdle for wisdom as to what to do and the strength to keep my head up and eyes on Jesus. I have to admit, I'm awful tired of this."

So Monday morning came and I went to court. (Which in itself could be an entire post) Sharon went with me. My stomach the entire time grumbled and tumbled, it was embarrassing. Finally after about an hour they called my name and I approached the bench. I told the judge about the movement with the debt settlement company and he gave me a continuance! I was so relieved and so thankful.

Sunday I wrote this in my journal as well about job hunting:
"I am out of ideas for job hunting. I am out of strength to keep looking a digging. I need YOU to do it. I am out of creativity and ideas. So I ask You to be all those things in me."

After court I went home and changed clothes and hit the job boards again. It was the only thing I knew to do. My mantra had become, "just keep swimming." Thank you Dorie. While I was working on that, I got a message from a friend who worked in the school system. Would I be willing to work a short term job covering for someone at South Stafford checking ID's? I immediately saw this as a gift from heaven and jumped at it.

Then Tuesday while I was working the desk at the school, I got a voicemail. That company that I thought had turned me down, they called. They wanted to hire me! That was followed by a call from Wegmans wanting to interview me. By the end of Tuesday my head was literally spinning.

Last Sunday, I reached the end of my rope and this time instead of trusting in myself and my strength, I let go. Once again, that amazing God who promises to never leave us or forsake us, who tells us that he holds us in the palm of his hand, who hides us in the shadow of his wing proved what I'd forgotten. HE is faithful and HE will do it. WE just have to get out of the way and let HIM move and work.

Now, I'd like to say "lesson learned" and check it off my list of things that God has to change in me in order to make me more like Him. But guess what, knowing me probably not. So the next time you see me clinging to my rope like that kitten in the poster, feel free to remind me to let go.