I am having a struggle. I'm feeling a little lost and I'm not sure how to find my way. My professional life is frustrating me and I am wondering if at it's root is a spiritual problem. Since May of last year I've been working for a government contractor. I write and edit on-line training material for a government agency. I try hard to be thankful for it and to put my best effort into it. It's a lackluster, passionless job for me though. It does pay very well, and since I work from home it affords me great flexibility. Not everyone gets to go to work in their pjs! If anyone out there in cyberspace from my company reads this, please know that I appreciate my job and try to be diligent at it.
I am feeling pretty guilty about being frustrated by this job. First of all, God provided it just in time for me. Secondly, with the job market the way it is, for me to have this job is a blessing. Thirdly, there's no commute, which in the DC area, is unheard of. I took it for all those reasons and for the hope that they would one day hire me for real. (I am a temporary employee so I receive no benefits.) That, however has yet to come to fruition. Therein lies reason #1 for my frustration, but that's a small part of it.
But I guess my biggest frustration comes from that this is not what I really want to do. Augh, that sounds so whiny. And I hate being whiny. I should make the best of what I'm doing, I know. I don't want to work only for a paycheck. Don't get me wrong, I like getting paid well. I am grateful for the little bit of money I've been able to save, the bills I've been able to pay off and for the ability to give out of my abundance. I have thought more than once about options to make it better for me. One of those would be to quit. However both the practical side of me and the person who hates to let people down doesn't find that wise. Especially since I have no idea of where to look for other work or even what the work would be.
The part of me that wants to be a success screams at me that working in retail (which I feel like is my main option) would quickly become just as frustrating to me. And then there's that little voice in my head that says, "you're not getting any younger, you need to think about the future."
Oh my goodness, I just realized that perhaps this is what a midlife crisis feels like! You know suddenly I'm a little thankful for this frustration. You see, when I was younger, I thought for certain I wasn't going to live outside my young adulthood, since my two sisters never saw much beyond their twenties. And here I am having a midlife crisis. That made me smile for just a minute!
But then I wonder if it's practicality that keeps me in check, or is it fear? One of my favorite movies is "Strictly Ballroom." It's a silly, campy Austrailian film about ballroom dancing. It follows a young man who is the star of his region in ballroom dancing, a world of beauty but it is a beauty that is lived within very strict guidelines. He steps outside those bounds and becomes a pariah to his friends and family. The only person who believes in him is an awkward and homely girl who takes lessons at his family dance studio. She gathers the gumption to approach him and to ask to be his partner. At first he laughs at her, but over time they become a stunning pair. I won't give it all away in case you want to see it. It's really a fun and uplifting film. The reason I share that is because one of my favorite quotes in cinema comes from this film, "A life lived in fear, is a life half lived." I don't want it to be fear that keeps me from being all that God wants me to be.
I said at the outset that I think this frustration is at its root a spiritual problem, scripture says, "Perfect love casts out all fear." So, here's my conclusion from these ramblings. I don't think that I necessarily need to quit my job, but I need to trust more in the love of God than I do in anything that this world can give me. I need to let that love lead me down whatever path is placed before me and to trust in it until and through whatever turn is next. I need to trust and dream and let God lead and not worry so doggone much.
