Contentment and Desire

One of the things I struggle with is contentment. In the Bible, Paul tells us that we are to be "content in every circumstance." It's so hard sometimes though, not to desire more. 


I spent last week in Charlottesville, dog sitting for a friend. Since my job allows me to work from anywhere, it affords me to such things. (However, my cat doesn't really agree with that choice.) The family I help out lives in a gated community, just outside of town. The homes sit in rolling hills and lots of trees. The dogs are well behaved and require relatively little attention: some food, a walk, and a little play makes them happy. The house is large and I find myself feeling very small in it. I'm pretty sure the bathroom and closet area is about as big as the apartment I had on Van Buren Street in Fredericksburg.

When I stay in places like this, that's when my "I want a house." desire kicks in.  I don't think it's a bad desire to have or to work toward. But my question lies in where does the line between contentment and ambition become a problem? I can't say my desire for a house isn't at least a little bit about my comfort and feeling like I have accomplished something. I mean, it's the American dream isn't it? I really like where I'm living now, the Glasgows are wonderful people, my apartment is cozy, and they have allowed me to "make it my own." There's no real reason to move. And I don't see it changing anytime soon, outside becoming the next J K Rowling or winning the MegaMillions, but I have found myself more and more looking at homes and just wishing. Even though I know the responsibility factor kicks up about a million percent, I still find it happening.

Now is the time for my contentment check. Am I content in where God has me overall? Is this desire just a manifestation of discontentment in another area of my heart. It's then that I have to remember to take stock of the abundance that I DO have. I do have so much more than most people. More than I need really. Also, do I desire my relationship with the Lord as much as I desire the "stuff" of this world. Hmm..that's the humbling question isn't it?

Early Morning Texts and Hurting People

This morning about 7:15AM I was awakened by the Sherwood Forest trumpet that is my text message notification. Reluctantly and with some trepidation, I rolled out of bed to check the message thinking it was a friend with a prayer request or Sharon wanting to tell me something about the farm. But, it was a number I didn't know from the "931" area code with simple and innocuous salutation, "hey." My first thought was, "this must be some poor girl that slept someone they didn't really know and is reaching out." I am not sure why I thought that. I guess the hour of the morning and the greeting made brought that to mind.

I wasn't sure if I should respond or what to respond with. Finally, I responded with, "Who is this?" Part of my orginal thought was confirmed when she responded, "Ashley who is this?"

I suddenly put myself in her shoes, now she's panicked. The person she thought would respond warmly immediately didn't know who she was. Not sure what to say, I replied, "Chris...I think you have a wrong number."

This is where this gets strange, and shows this person's hurt even clearer, "Are you married." Now I'm thinking this girl has definitely slept with someone who gave her a bogus number. Since often "Chris" is often assumed to be a guy, I thought I'd clarify.

"I am a woman and I think someone gave you a wrong number."

Here's the "shake your head, sigh, and wonder how hurting this person must be" part of the story. She replied "this person told me you like women also."

My first instinct was to chastise whom I suddenly thought must be a teenager on a dare of some kind. My second instinct was not to dignify the question with an answer. So I didn't respond. My third instinct was to turn to the internet and see if I could at least figure out where this person was. I used a reverse look up to locate the person in TN.

Here's the really amazing part, she asked the question AGAIN.

The "mom" in me really wanted to chastise this girl for her rudeness, but I simply replied, "No. You have a wrong number."

I haven't heard from her since, thankfully.

As I have thought about this incident in the couple hours since, it caused me to post on Twitter, "You know, there's a lot of hurting people out there, say a prayer for them today." I know I am making a lot of mental leaps about this person who randomly "sexted" me this morning, about her age, her situation, her upbringing, but the one thing I do know for certain, this person is hurting. I'm pretty sure once I'd figured out I had a wrong number, I would have said I was sorry and stopped texting. But this person was so messed up inside that her hurt and embarrassment caused her to press into the "conversation." Wow. Hurt makes people do a crazy things.

So, Ashley, whoever and wherever you are, you were prayed for this morning. I prayed that God would make himself real to you and your hurt would find the Healer.

All the Stars in the Sky

Last night I went out to Bible study at MABC. When I pulled in the driveway afterward and got out of the car, my breath was nearly taken away. The sky was brimming with stars! I almost always see Orion, but last night there were so many! It must have been a new moon. The sky was black and there was no moonlight to hide the stars. We live in a rural area, but not that far from town, so those lights mess with it too.

Last night though, it was like looking at a bowl full of sequins. So many of them sparkling and shining. Orion, the Big and Little Dippers, Pleiades. I saw so many of the constellations I had learned growing up (my elementary school had a planetarium). It just made me smile to see God's creation on such glorious display. I kept saying "Wow! Thank you God," over and over again. I could have stayed out there a long time, if I hadn't been a wimp about the cold. It made me think of this David Crowder song.

You should see the stars tonight
How they shimmer, shine so bright
Against the black they look so white
Comin' down from such a height
To reach me now, reach me now

You should see the moon in the flight
Cuttin' across the misty night
Softly dancin' in sunshine
Reflections of this light
Reach me now, you reach me now

And how could such a thing
Shine its light on me
And make everything beautiful again?

And you should feel the sun in the spring
Comin' out after a rain
Suddenly all is green
Sunshine on everything
I can feel it now, I feel you now

And how could such a thing
Shine its light on me
And make everything beautiful?

And you should hear the angels sing
All gathered round their king
More beautiful than you could dream
I've been quietly listening
Can hear 'em now, can hear 'em now

And how could such a king
Shine his light on me
And make everything beautiful
And I wanna shine, I wanna be light
I wanna tell you it'll be alright
And I wanna shine and I wanna fly
Just to tell you now it'll be alright
It'll be alright, it'll be alright

'Coz I got nothing of my own to give to you
But this light that shines on me shines on you
And makes everything beautiful again
It'll be alright, it'll be alright

I guess it just reminded me of how small I am, but yet how loved I am. Wow, thank you God! Thank you that you make everything beautiful. That you let that light shine on me last night. That the light of your love and grace shines every day on me, when I don't deserve it. Thank you.

Represent

It's so easy to let the world dictate what you think about yourself. If I listened to the world I would certainly live in deep despair. I would think that I am totally alone in my "plight." Being 46 and never married (no offense to divorcees or widows) people automatically think you're some kind of loser or weirdo. Movies and TV, even the church try to tell you that the penultimate of life is to be married. Don't get me wrong, it's a desire of my heart to be married. And I love my married friends, they have been a blessing to me in so many ways. But I was thinking about this last night, I know several amazing women and men who are single and in my age range.

Here are a few that come immediately to mind. The folks that represent "my kind." There's T*, who left his government contracting job to spend the last several years in the Ukraine teaching the Bible. There's C*, who moved across the country to be closer to her family, whose smile and laugh always light up a room, who is an amazing aunt to her nieces and nephews, and who helped walk her dad into eternity. There's J* who lives fiercely independent with her arthritis, takes such good care of her mama, and opens her home to crazy old high school friends ;-). There's N*, who writes original musicals, helps take care of her mom, and spends her days teaching kids about music and the Lord. There's J*, who overcomes her lupus every day and loves to play her violin. There's P* who plays the guitar better than me, volunteers his time to local public television, and tries to help out our older aunts and uncles when he can. There's B* who is a great friend to my brother, leads his young team members with compassion, and takes good care of his mom.

So here's to you my friends. I don't know where your hearts are regarding your singleness, but I just wanted you to know that I think you're pretty awesome as you are. It's an encouragement to me in those moments when I start to agree with the world about who I am. Thank you for reminding me and the rest of the world that being single can be a blessing. Thanks for representin'!

* I only used first intials because I didn't ask anyone if I could write about them. If you know them, you probably know who I'm talking about.

Here We Go Again

So here I go again, trying to be a blogger. I just opened this up and saw that once again, it's been since August since I wrote. Not really going to develop much of a following if I keep writing at this pace. Unless what I'm writing is has some great literary value, which it does not.

But I think part of my problem with this is part of my problem with life in general, I can't seem to stick to much of anything. Diets, exercise programs, songwriting, guitar playing, blogging, heck even friendships; whenever takes more than a cursory effort, I fall flat on my face with it. I get so distracted. I get so caught up in stuff that deep down I know doesn't have real value. It's like a part of me doesn't want to be really good at anything. I manage to lose a few pounds, I manage to get consistent for a time with exercise, I'm a good enough guitar player to teach a few lessons to be beginners, I'm an okay friend as long as I see you enough to make it work. Where does this come from? It's a part of my character I really don't like. I wish I was better at all these things, but that would involve sacrifice. That would involve stepping out of my comfort zone. That would involve being vulnerable in some way. Wow, that's pretty scary.

So, here I go again. Trying to blog, trying to be transparent about a life that to me seems pretty shallow, pretty selfish, and honestly pretty boring. But then I think, well isn't blogging about what I think and feel just another reflection of how self-centered I really am? My friends have blogs that show pictures of their beautiful families or talk about what they've read or projects they are working on or opinions they have. I don't know that I have any of that to offer. What do I do every day? Get up, work, workout, scoop the cat box, watch TV, and go to bed. Sometimes there's a shower in there, sometimes there's a trip to the grocery store or Target to try to fill the hole. Most days there's an attempt at a devotional time or Bible study or reading. There's weekly guitar lessons and there's a lot of Facebook, my attempts at being in touch with the outside world. There's way too much TV.

But, here we go again. I'm going to try this again. I can't promise when the next post will be. I can't begin to predict what the next post will be. But hopefully I will start to look out instead of just in all the time. I know that the abundant life Christ promises us doesn't reside in my head or in my tiny apartment. It's out there somewhere. Maybe you can walk with me while I look for it.

God Speaks..Even in Vegas

Last week I went to Las Vegas for a work trip. It's a crazy, crazy place. It's a place of contradictions. They want you to think that its a great place to bring your family on vacation. They offer beautiful hotels and excellent food and experiences for all ages. But when you walk down the street, men try to hand out cards for strippers and prostitutes and of course the casinos are never-ending. The people who work at the hotels are so nice and helpful. They even give you directions on how to steer away from the seediness. I have to admit, I had a great time there. Maybe it was because our hotel was having a Star Trek convention and I got to see Leonard Nimoy in person. Maybe it was because our hotel staff spoiled us. Wouldn't you like it if someone brought you a free latte every morning?

But on to my story. The last evening I was there, I was out on my own. The monorail system in Vegas makes it very easy to go out on your own. I was exploring the shops at Caesar's Palace looking for some trinkets to take home. Shopping in Vegas is not for the poor that's for sure. Hugo Boss, Escada, Dolce and Gabana, Burberry. Everything is high end and name brand. Honestly, I am not sure how they make it. The sun was going down as I was crossing a bridge from Caesar's Palace to the Bellagio. The sign ahead of me said Gucci. There were streams and streams of people making their way from one place to another. Most didn't even notice the sunset over the mountains to the west. Some took note of the fifty-something black man playing the guitar and singing. I don't remember what song it was, but I remember thinking he was pretty good to try that on an acoustic guitar. His voice was definitely worth all the money that filled his guitar case.

As I approached the doors to the Bellagio, a man sat Indian style with his head down and clear plastic cup in front of him. He looked at little dirty and very sad, the sign in his hand read "Help Me." I'm not sure half of the people even saw him or took note of him. I continued my way through the revolving door thinking how sad it was that the guy playing the music was getting attention but he wasn't and of the irony of the excess and the need. And then God spoke, "For you who know the good you ought to do and don't do it, to you that is sin." Ouch. At first I tried to ignore it, but it resonated in my head again. So I stepped out of the crowd, went into my wallet and pulled out a bill, I folded it up tiny and turned back to door. I almost didn't go through with it, "maybe he'll use it for drugs or booze or a prostitute," I thought. I hesitated. But pushed through the door to the outside. He was maybe 10 steps outside the door. I hurried over, dropped the 10 and scurried away like a scared little mouse. "Please don't let him follow me, " I thought. I looked back over my shoulder as I made it safely into the Bellagio. He was looking back at me with a look of amazement.

I don't tell you this story because I'm proud of what I did. In fact as I think back on it, I am ashamed that I didn't get down on the ground and talk with him. I guess I just wanted to remind you and to remind me that God does speak all the time, even in the worst of places. We just need to listen.

Lost in Frustration

I am having a struggle. I'm feeling a little lost and I'm not sure how to find my way. My professional life is frustrating me and I am wondering if at it's root is a spiritual problem. Since May of last year I've been working for a government contractor. I write and edit on-line training material for a government agency. I try hard to be thankful for it and to put my best effort into it. It's a lackluster, passionless job for me though. It does pay very well, and since I work from home it affords me great flexibility. Not everyone gets to go to work in their pjs! If anyone out there in cyberspace from my company reads this, please know that I appreciate my job and try to be diligent at it.

I am feeling pretty guilty about being frustrated by this job. First of all, God provided it just in time for me. Secondly, with the job market the way it is, for me to have this job is a blessing. Thirdly, there's no commute, which in the DC area, is unheard of. I took it for all those reasons and for the hope that they would one day hire me for real. (I am a temporary employee so I receive no benefits.) That, however has yet to come to fruition. Therein lies reason #1 for my frustration, but that's a small part of it.

But I guess my biggest frustration comes from that this is not what I really want to do. Augh, that sounds so whiny. And I hate being whiny. I should make the best of what I'm doing, I know. I don't want to work only for a paycheck. Don't get me wrong, I like getting paid well. I am grateful for the little bit of money I've been able to save, the bills I've been able to pay off and for the ability to give out of my abundance. I have thought more than once about options to make it better for me. One of those would be to quit. However both the practical side of me and the person who hates to let people down doesn't find that wise. Especially since I have no idea of where to look for other work or even what the work would be.

The part of me that wants to be a success screams at me that working in retail (which I feel like is my main option) would quickly become just as frustrating to me. And then there's that little voice in my head that says, "you're not getting any younger, you need to think about the future."

Oh my goodness, I just realized that perhaps this is what a midlife crisis feels like! You know suddenly I'm a little thankful for this frustration. You see, when I was younger, I thought for certain I wasn't going to live outside my young adulthood, since my two sisters never saw much beyond their twenties. And here I am having a midlife crisis. That made me smile for just a minute!

But then I wonder if it's practicality that keeps me in check, or is it fear? One of my favorite movies is "Strictly Ballroom." It's a silly, campy Austrailian film about ballroom dancing. It follows a young man who is the star of his region in ballroom dancing, a world of beauty but it is a beauty that is lived within very strict guidelines. He steps outside those bounds and becomes a pariah to his friends and family. The only person who believes in him is an awkward and homely girl who takes lessons at his family dance studio. She gathers the gumption to approach him and to ask to be his partner. At first he laughs at her, but over time they become a stunning pair. I won't give it all away in case you want to see it. It's really a fun and uplifting film. The reason I share that is because one of my favorite quotes in cinema comes from this film, "A life lived in fear, is a life half lived." I don't want it to be fear that keeps me from being all that God wants me to be.

I said at the outset that I think this frustration is at its root a spiritual problem, scripture says, "Perfect love casts out all fear." So, here's my conclusion from these ramblings. I don't think that I necessarily need to quit my job, but I need to trust more in the love of God than I do in anything that this world can give me. I need to let that love lead me down whatever path is placed before me and to trust in it until and through whatever turn is next. I need to trust and dream and let God lead and not worry so doggone much.